~I started writing this post for National Infant and Pregnancy loss day back in October. But I just couldn’t bring myself to finish it. Last week when my bloggy friend Krystyn lost her baby and I had a conversation with another “friend”, I decided it was time.~
In the past couple of months I have been walking down a road with several friends who have all lost babies. The first was my childhood friend, Holly. She carried baby Landry full term and due to complications after his birth he only lived 43 hours. You can read her journey here. It is one of incredible strength. Two other childhood friends had loses, one
a miscarriage at 8 weeks and another’s baby girl died in the womb at 17 weeks. While I have been there to support them through words, prayers and a listening ear, it has been extremely difficult for me.
You see, back in 2006 (almost 5 years ago)
I we lost a baby.
It wasn’t something that we discussed freely with others. Just us and family.
Many of our closest friends didn’t know it had even happened.
We had only been married 3 months. We knew that we were going to have children whenever the Lord decided it was time. We had no plans of waiting. We already had two children and wanted so desperately to have another.
I was having some random pain one day that seemed to be getting worse. I had never had a UTI but one friend I talked to said that is what it sounded like to her after I described my pain. I decided to go to the doctor just to make sure. I went on a Friday. He did his thing and thought it best to take a pregnancy test the next morning to rule that out before giving me any medications. I remember being kind of mad because I was in pain and wanted to get this fixed. He told me to take Tylenol if the pain was unbearable but nothing if I could handle it.
A pregnancy test was bought. I was sure it would be negative. I am one of those women, and please don’t stop reading my blog because of this, that doesn’t get sick while pregnant. So, if I was pregnant I would not know because I usually show no regular symptoms. Much to my surprise, the next morning the test came out positive. POSITIVE!!!
I went back to the doctor on Monday told him the news and he prescribed me medication that was fit for a pregnant woman. Based on my last period they estimated me to be about 9-10 weeks. We were so excited. Until 3 days later.
The bleeding was a sure sign that something was wrong. I was so scared and immediately went back to the doctor. It wasn’t heavy but it was there. He explained that this can happen and to wait a few more days because sometimes it stops on its own.
So we did and it just got worse. Now you may think it was the meds he prescribed but not so. I never even had the prescription filled. I was too scared to take them. I went in on a Friday again. One week after my original appointment. I had a ultrasound. But not a happy one. A very, very sad one that told me there was no more baby.
There was no surgery, no having to give birth to this baby. Just a waiting game and many trips back to the doctor. I remember him telling me how lucky I was that I didn’t have to have a D&C. LUCKY??? How in the world did he even remotely think I was lucky? I had just lost our baby!!!
It changed me in many ways. But none that I really noticed until my friends started losing babies. I know that I dealt with the pain then but maybe not as deeply as I thought I had. Therefore, walking this walk with my friends has helped me in many ways. It has given me a renewed strength in myself and in my God.
Not too long ago, I was talking with a lady that lost a baby in the womb at 22 wks. She had to give birth to him. We were talking about the pain and sorrow. I guess I should say she was talking about it. I was trying to be a good listening ear. But somehow it came up that I had a
miscarriage lost a baby. We talked about it for sometime. But it wasn’t until we got to the loss, grief, sorrow part of the conversation that I got pretty angry. On the inside anyway.
As we talked she began to tell me that I didn’t know what it was like to lose a baby. That giving birth to a dead baby is far worse than what I went through. She went on to say more but I can’t remember it all. And while on some levels I totally agreed with her, on others I don’t. Not in the least.
There are many women that
have miscarriages lose babies everyday. Some in the early weeks, some half way though and some that are full term. No matter when you lose your baby, it is still a loss. It hurts. BAD.
Every situation is different. But for me the hardest part was not getting the privilege of knowing if my baby was a boy or girl. Not getting to have the ultrasound that let’s us know that our baby is perfectly healthy. Not getting that ultrasound picture to show all of our family and friends. Not getting to see his/her face, eyes, nose, ears in the flesh. Not knowing whether he/she would look like me or Jason or be a good mixture of the two of us. Not getting to hold him/her, smell him/her, love on him/her. Not getting to tell my other children that they were going to be a big sister and a big brother.
So, while I don’t know what it is like to lose a baby that I have given birth to or held in my arms or looked in to the eyes of, I still know what it is like to lose a baby that was loved the instant we found out it was going to be.
The pain that comes from this no matter what stage is heart wrenching. It is something that you don’t wish upon your worst enemy. And something that no matter how hard you try you can never understand why it had to happen to you.
God gives you this wonderful gift but he doesn’t always grant you what you want out of that gift. He gives you the strength to go on but doesn’t give you the strength to forget. And just when you think you are at the end of your rope, He draws you up and loves on you through answered prayers or just by friends that help you along the way. He gives you the strength to live everyday and not give up on anything or anyone. Especially not him!
My friend Holly has a song on her blog called “I Will Carry You”. It was written by Angie & Todd Smith who lost baby Audrey due to a genetic disorder. This song just resonates everything that you, as a Mother, feel on the inside. The chorus reads like this,
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One Who’s chosen me
To carry you